5:10 I make a bottle and arm myself with Tylenol. I'll try the Tylenol first. If that doesn't work, go for the milk.
5:25 I'm rocking Andrew in my arms. He jerks a few times, settles comfortably in my shoulder. I pray.
5:40. I try laying Andrew down to no avail. I give in and give him the bottle.
6 a.m. Resolve to begin this day and pray some more.
I admit to feeling jipped. It's Christmas Eve, right? Isn't that supposed to guarantee a little reprieve from the day to day toughness of life? Doesn't God feel I deserve this? And there's that ugly word in our American vocabulary, "deserve." Talk about sending you into a spiritual tail spin.
I realize how much I label "suffering" is more likely "inconvenience." And I'm not so convinced that God's in the business of making sure that my life is as convenient as possible. Are my prayers going anywhere in days like these when my true intent is really, "God, make this day go smoothly," rather than, "God, make me more like Jesus,"?
And then I'm reassured. God hears me, not because I pray right but because of the blood of Jesus.
4 comments:
It's good to have you back!!
I had a "don't *I* deserve to take a break...ever!" moment tonight, as I was doing everything, since Matt did something funky to his shoulder earlier today.
And, shamefully, my moment of self-righteousness happened only a short while from getting back from church, where we celebrated and worshiped our Savior...
He wants us to rely on Him every single moment, doesn't He?...
Oh Jen. I think I've forgotten those days til I read your blog. The memories come flooding back of double diaper duty and trying to single handedly transport 2 throughout the house. And I didn't have 3 big kids too. Thanks for the memories. It does get better, I think. =) But, you have the foresight to enjoy these moments since you've been here before. They are babies for such a short time...and they will be one in just 3 weeks...can you belive that? You have survived the hardest part! Well, until they start driving anyway =)
It's amazing how the Lord shows us what is truly in our heart when we pray! The love and grace the Lord dispenses to us is immeasurable!
I have a lot of those "don't I deserve moments", I'm usually gently reminded how good I have it...
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