Thursday, August 28, 2008

Bull in a china shop

I spoke way out of turn tonight in our book club. A group of women has gotten together over the summer to talk about the book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. A good read, I think, and I'm taking from it some wisdom. I've learned things I didn't know about myself. Like, I'm really comfortable with anger, not so much with sadness or disappointment. I'm decent at conflict - seeking someone out when there's weird tension, trying to talk in through, but I'm more of an avoider that I think. God's growing courage in me - courage to be who He wants me to be, courage to disappoint people, courage to speak truth when it's called for.

But courage wasn't called for tonight. Compassion was more in order. Someone shares her struggles with trusting in God's goodness. She admits stumbling over the process of forgiveness, and tonight shares that what's most difficult about forgiving. It's acknowledging that God has not spared you from whatever offense it is that has caused such deep pain.

I don't remember what her exact words were, but I felt her accusing God of injustice and evil. My blood started to boil. I wasn't angry with her. I was angry at Satan, angry at the lies he keeps feeding God's people, that somehow God's intentions towards His people aren't completely good. 

I'm writing an issue for Today in the Word now, a study of Exodus. And what's become clear to me is that one of the most fundamental questions each of us has to answer if we want to walk with God is, "Can God be trusted?" Those of us raised in Bible churches know the right answer. But does our heart agree with our head on this one? When pain is real, it's that much harder to acknowledge God's goodness. But it's all the more necessary.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Realistic expectations.

We successfully returned from another road trip this past weekend. Successfully, I say, because there were no angry exchanges in the car, no hurdling over seats to squeeze cheeks and utter threats. Why was this trip different from the last? One reason: realistic expectations. 

Everything is better when I'm realistic about life and about myself and about others. 

I've been starting my days with thoughts like, "This day is going to be hard. There's a lot of work to do." The babies will be fussy, the house will be chaotic, and I'm going to be exhausted. Period. Don't expect more than this. And if God grants a quite cup of coffee in the afternoon with twenty peaceful minutes to read, embrace it as a gift. But don't demand it.

Second, I'm getting more realistic about myself. "I'm a screw-up," is what I decided my most recent mantra should be. Which has sent me into a tailspin theologically. I've started to wonder, What's the most important thing we are supposed to acknowledge about ourselves? Is it that we are unconditionally and fully loved by God? Or is it that we are fatally flawed at the core of our being, sinful as the Bible puts it?

For me, I find it helpful to remind myself that I'm going to screw things up. Yes, thank God, He's changing me, rooting out some of the ugliest parts of who I've been for these part 34 years. But I'm still a screw up. No longer should I be shocked when I fall short of my own expectations. Ideals are good. Goals are important. But the truth is, try as I might, I'm failing. Each day that I acknowledge that, I'm closer to relying on God's grace.

And if I can acknowledge my own shortcomings, perhaps I can give a little bit more grace to those around me. Let them fail me. Instead of anger or buried disappointment, maybe there could be patience. 




Saturday, August 9, 2008

Anniversary

It's quiet at our house this morning. The babes are taking their morning nap, and Ryan took the older three camping last night. My mother-in-law called last night and left a message with a note of concern in her voice: "You won't be lonely tonight, will you?" The quiet is a gift, a lifeline. I fight the anxiety to spend it well!

Tomorrow is our anniversary - 12 years. How do 12 years go by so quickly? It feels like we've lived several lives in this short span - a lifetime ago it was that both of us went to work in the dark hours of the morning and came home exhausted. We lived then in such separate spheres: Ryan, studying for his exams, working; me, teaching, coaching, grad school. I remember how easily it could have all fallen apart, this marriage of ours. I remember God's mercy in preserving us and protecting us. There's no doubt there are three people in this marriage. 

When I married Ryan, I knew he was "the one" because he was the only man I'd every truly admired. That is true still today. I love this man, I respect his man, and I admire this man. Yes, there are faults and shortcomings. Read past blogs and you'll find mention of some. But what's most true is that I depend on Ryan for so much. These past seven months have been full as we've grown to a family of seven. I expected sleep deprivation and stress: I didn't expect the laughter. If for nothing else, God gave me Ryan to keep me from taking myself and life too seriously. 

 They leave for camping yesterday afternoon, and Ryan turns back to say: "If I call you, it's for one of two reasons. Either Camille has lost a leg, or you need to come and get her." (God bless her, Camille is hell-bent on testing every fiber of our parenting resolve.)

Or when the family conspires to cut my step-father's comb-ups. Ryan sends me a hilarious Dilbert cartoon, picturing Dilbert's boss with his own version of comb-ups. The subject line states wryly, "Guy on the left." That sends me into hysterical laughter for a good 10 minutes. 

When the family is coming apart at the seams, he asks, "OK, so who's getting voted off the island?"

For the serious actuarial type that he is, this guys is pretty darn funny.
 
Twelve years can race by, and you can still be in love with the same man. 

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Birds and Bees

"Somehow, I didn't picture having this conversation over dinner." And neither had I. Earlier this afternoon, I'd seen Audrey in the basement, reading a book from our teach-your-kids-about-sex series (God's Design for Sex - Stan Jones). I thought it was the first book in the series, the one that sort of eases them into things like the proper names for anatomical parts, etc. It also introduces basic concepts of Christian marriage and family. We've already read this book together with all of our kids. But we hadn't yet gotten to book two, the one that tells about S-X. Book two is suggested for ages 5-8, and this summer, Ryan and I had agreed we needed to read it with Audrey.

She beat us to the punch. And right in the middle of dinner, she started talking about how a baby begins as small as a little dot. I asked, "What book were you reading down there?" She runs downstairs to get it, and I see it's the S-X book. Oh boy. Here we go.

"Let's read that book together after dinner." The other four get bathed and tucked into bed, and Audrey and I go upstairs to snuggle up with the S-X book. (Cozy, isn't it?) I'd never pictured feeling awkward about this moment. And honestly, I really wasn't. The book does all the hard work - you just have to read it. As we read the part on puberty and your body changing, she insists (looking down her shirt), "that's happening to me!" I explain that the changes the book was describing don't happen until you're closer to 12, 13, or 14. Then she looks at my chest and asks, "How long does it take to grow those?" "A couple of years." YEARS??" she asks incredulously and with great disappointment.

Moving on, the book describes S-X, and it doesn't mince words. (God forbid, my daughter's going to be the one at school setting everyone straight that S-X isn't just kissing and hugging!) We finish, and I say, "You will be curious about this and will have more questions. I definitely would prefer you asking me rather than your friends who may not know the right answers or God's way." She asks me a few questions, a little giggly and awkward. And we finish our conversation with a short prayer, that God would protect her and prepare her to love her husband, that she would be faithful to God and to her husband by choosing God's way, etc. 

August 2nd, sex talk, check!